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I don’t know if this is a common experience but for me, when relationships got serious I always wondered how you were meant to feel; what scale you were supposed to measure these feelings against; how you could know if they were real etc.  Now we are off the charts again.  Yesterday a concerned friend called and seemed a little worried by the level of ‘normality’ or rationality that he was hearing.   I could understand what he was thinking and appreciated his care.  However, this is a lonely journey and there is no path; I’m not even sure if there is a destination… maybe there is only the journey.

I’ve always been a ‘live in the moment’ kinda guy and in this now you feel what you feel or don’t feel and experience that and then move on.  It is rather like eating a meal, you take a mouthful, taste it, chew it and swallow, then next!  Also, I discovered when my dad died recently that, to my surprise, I didn’t really feel any differently about him, or have a different relationship with him, despite the fact that he was now no longer able to be an active part of it.  I’m not sure that as I sit here in a quite house on a frosty Sunday morning, with the cat curled up next to me that I feel particularly different.  I have no idea if this is a grace or a problem.  It just is.  Life goes on…

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This morning was another first.  My first empty house, my first Saturday breakfast in an empty kitchen.  Middle daughter is off with her boyfriend, senior daughter travelling back to visit friends and son acting as taxi driver for her.  So there I was, a slice of toast, fresh coffee and juice, talking to myself and then I found myself singing “You can’t always get what you want..”   The odd thing is the house didn’t really feel empty, and you may feel this is a sad little picture, it really didn’t feel that way.  I’ve always loved this song, and maybe it is true.

Tonight, I find myself for the first time in 25 years cooking for friends on a Saturday night, so picture me in my piny cooking up  Keralan fish curry followed by Prosecco & raspberry jelly, and maybe I’ll be singing a tune or two…

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I bought Carys a rather lovely, rather expensive glass key ring that contained a silver heart.  I’ve been driving her car recently and the other day, it fell onto our wooden floor… and shattered!  Sometimes it is hard not to feel that Life has a sick sense of humour…

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Unbelievably, it is almost a month now since the event that rocked our world to its foundations.  Some say “You don’t know what you have till it is gone” but this wasn’t true for us, but that isn’t to say that you can in anyway guess what life will be like once they are gone. 

So far we have:-

• Done about 80% or so of the paperwork that this kind of thing imposes one you
• Got my daughter back to Uni, and me back to work (I even did my VAT return on time!)
• Designed and executed the most lovely memorial service
• Kept the house clean and tidy
• Done the charity shop shop runs
• Looked after each other
• Laughed at bad-taste bleak jokes
• Even done many of those 101 little jobs that never got done like having the cat spayed and phones changed over!

People have been lovely and today a friend from Holland ‘saw’ me on Skype and called to see how I was.  Support has come from many unexpected quarters.  I was unsure about going into ‘print’ about all this and how it would be received, but it appears there a people out there that are getting something from these blogs and ask for updates.

However, when you emerge from under this mountain of stuff there are still unexpected tears, still that gut-wrenching feeling, still that little voice telling you that someone must have made a small mistake and she will be back…  And the rest is a strange mix; a blank sheet of paper, an empty cave, and all the joys and wonders that living offers…

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So it is now 3 weeks since it happened; it has been a whirlwind of doing and organising, interspersed with a whole load of sitting around in a state of semi-collapse.  This week was back to college for daughter no2, and my first day back to work too.  I’m still busy in the ‘business of death’ with form-filling and valuations and running around delivering and collecting things.  All the time you are busy things seem strangely normal, then you come across a scrap of paper with some hand written note on it or a book that is half read and you feel that nothing will be normal ever again! 

On any objective scale we are all doing remarkably well, but in the this inner landscape that really butters very few parsnips!

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One of the things my family has always enjoyed is grabbing a bunch of movies, maybe some nibbles and settle down to nest together.  We thought this seemed like a plan and I went to our local video store.  I carefully chose three films that I thought met the bill; an animation, a new Jennifer Anniston romcom and one with Michael Caine and a young boy.

They were all good movies, all worth watching but it turns out that they all had one further thing in common… each one had as a core of the story that the leading man had just lost his wife!  My kids looked over at me and told me (with wry smiles) that they were not trusting me to go to the films in future!

I have to tell you that “Up” is truly delightful film, “Is there anybody there?” is a beautiful little British film and “Love happens” is not bad either…

Hey ho.. another day.

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We got a letter today for the transplant team telling us that a small flock of phoenixes rose from the ashes of our misfortune.  A 34 yr old lady who had been waiting for 4 yrs has a kidney, as has a 54 yrs who had been on dialysis for 6 yrs.  Her liver is helping a 64 yrs old man who is married with a family.  A 50 yr married man has her lungs and her heart vales, corneas and skin will be able to help others too get over their traumas.

For us, it is important that we have enriched a few other lives, set some people free of fear and suffering. 

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Who would have guessed there are bear-traps in Sainsburys?  I was shopping there with my daughter yesterday when I was suddenly struck by the horrible truth …that Carys wasn’t there and would never be there again.  Don’t get me wrong: we loathed shopping there, it was always a chore, so I didn’t expect to have this kind of feeling.  It left me feeling empty.

I’m sure this is the way of it; you are ambushed by the tiny trivia of your lives.  A pair of trainers, a coat hanging in the airing cupboard, a book left half read…  and yet Life goes on.

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I stood in the garden at dusk, and I stood there listening to the birds singing.  It was as beautiful as ever, pure trills and cadences.  I was  moved and saddened in the same moment.  I couldn’t quite decide if it was sign of hope, in the enduring nature of beauty, or one of sadness because I was one my own whilst enjoying them…

Click to hear blackbird’s song

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Yesterday we had a service for Carys at St Peters In Hascombe.  It is jewel of a church in a beautiful hamlet, village green, pond, ducks, pub, nestling beneath Hascombe hill.  We were lucky enough to find a canon who helped us construct a service that truly matched Carys and the needs of those present.  It was dignified, beautiful and appropriate.  Of course there were tears, but there was laughter too. 

We moved on to the hall were we had thrown a surprize party for her 50th and my daughter masterminded a wake that Carys herself would have been proud of.  The day went off perfectly.  Everyone rallied round to help clear up. 

I came home in need of some quiet, with a few friends and family but struggled to stay awake at 7pm and gave up at 8.30 and just crashed. 

My wife had a send of as beautiful as she was…

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