10 Responses to “CHANGE WITH A BIG C”

1. rob_k says:

   27 December , 2007 at 17:40

   Okay Richard, some profound words perhaps but this blog could for some people be the most powerful and life changing blog to ever emerge in these pages.

   I would like to kick this discussion off and in support of your most able prompt by saying that ‘I am what I chose to be’. I need to be something else, and now I must change to be that choice. What are my options?

   Rob.

2. richardderwentcooke says:

   27 December , 2007 at 17:42

   Rob, thanks for that challenging question!

   I guess the first thing to say is you / we / I have to first recognise that we have a choice. So often we hear (and even say!) “I had no choice! (S)he made me do it…”

   The reality is we always have choices, and the most powerful one is usually not to ‘play’. A friend and colleague, who is an expert in the flight/fight mechanism says if you only have two choices, for example do it or don’t do it, then you are in a flight/fight driven state. So,

   Rule 1: You always have choices

   I guess the next step must be something around focusing on what is really important to you, in other words, what are your values, and what do they tell you about this situation?

   After all, if you actions don’t take you towards those things that you value, you need to realign yourself.

   Another thing to think about is to notice whose voice you hear when you think about it. Is it really yours, or someone else’s; perhaps an authority figure such as a father or mother.

   A useful question is “What would happen if I do nothing?”, another is “What is the likely consequence of continuing along this path?” Does it take you to a good place? If not you need to get off the train! Another is “Who could help me?” We all have people who can help us think things through. If you don’t have a suitable friend or family member, there always professionals (or even fellow ecademists!)

   I think my final point would be almost anything you do is better than doing nothing as every action brings about a reaction and these change the situation. Once it is changing as opposed to just being stuck you have something dynamic to work with.

   I’m sure this is not a complete answer, but hopefully something here will move you forward.

   What do you think Rob?

3. rob_k says:

   27 December , 2007 at 17:44

   CHANGE WITH A BIG C
   by Rob Killen on 26-Dec-07 10:55pm
   Yes Richard, choices and choice means options which means a sense of freedom. However, in my experience I suspect, perhaps even believe ,that I cannot always trust my judgement when it comes to making or taking choices.

   My biggest concern is/would be, in figuring out when and how I surrendered control and when/how my environment is prompting me to get it back. My first and baseline question is ‘what does it mean to be human?’ What is the real me? The bit that can retake control, sense the need for change and marshall the so called change resources? I’m then asking myself ‘is this change for me or for something external?’ If it’s external, is that externalisation valid in the way that I am aware or is a reaction to something that potentially is toxic, addictive and therefore controlling?

   The question ‘what will happen if I do nothing?’ is a critical step I guess in the drive toward the truth of awareness and oneself. I have seen this question asked in the virtual sense by the third party examining their life as if on a stage and one is in the audience watching it play out. Another technique is to try and observe life from the 100th floor insetad of ground level – this is something I do in business. Again, however, we encounter the concern of judgement – is it effective? Is it congruent? Am I looking for excuses to avoid confronting that which is presented to me as a possible reason for change because it invalidates previous assumptions?

   But, the key in your passage here Richard is noticing voices (not in the schizophrenic context and I have some all too vivid recent experience of that) but in the real noticing of what the messages are. This is really quite illuminating stuff – but the question remains – we’re noticing, becoming aware – how do we test?

   Rob.

4. richardderwentcooke says:

   27 December , 2007 at 17:46

   Rob,
   Once again, “Thank You” for asking such demanding and pertinent questions. I don’t feel I necessarily have all the answers to them, but here are some responses that might open this up for those interested in this:-

   One of my biggest learnings over the last 30 years is trusting my intuition. I am a fairly cerebral sort of person and very much relied on brain power to get me through my first 25 years. However, I then embarked on some personal experiences and trainings that changed my life and opened me up to my more intuitive side. I realised over the years that I now take big decisions first intuitively, then check them with my mind, rather than the reverse. (I have a whole load of ideas about what intuition really is but don’t want to clog this up with them; so if you are interested, let me know and I’ll post those in another blog). So my first response / reaction is to encourage you to trust your intuition. I believe that doing this grows your ability to be intuitive.

   I’m not sure if there is a ‘real me’ , but I do believe in a core essence, which may or may not be the same thing. I think we are here on a journey to learn, grow and develop. Life is a school that we enrolled in to master certain lessons. If we flunk them once, it gets us to resit.

   I think one step to ‘taking control’ is to accept that we are the authors of most of what is happening in our lives. Another is to take the hugely brave and demanding step to say that we deserve and can have something better. That is one of the scariest things a human can do, because we are tempting fate. What if we fail?

   As for ‘Change Resources’: I think we have those both within and all around us. This blog, and this forum are change resources. There are countless books, courses, friends etc all who can be resources.

   The techniques you mention of changing perspectives, and asking questions as if to a third party (sometimes it helps to have 2 (or 3) chairs and sit yourself in different seats and ask and answer thees questions) are all helpful.

   I think we can tell we are being congruent when things start to flow; when we get different and better responses. It is a state that unleashes ‘magic’ in our lives.

   Does that move things forward Rob?

5. SarahArrow says:

   27 December , 2007 at 22:23

   Great blog Richard, really gets the brain going 🙂

   “I think we can tell we are being congruent when things start to flow; when we get different and better responses. It is a state that unleashes ‘magic’ in our lives.”

   “Another is to take the hugely brave and demanding step to say that we deserve and can have something better. That is one of the scariest things a human can do, because we are tempting fate”

   Are we tempting fate? or creating our fate by taking control of our futures? and by doing so getting the future we deserve.

   Have a great 2008.

   Sarah

6. richardderwentcooke says:

   28 December , 2007 at 07:35

   I really don’t believe that we can tempt Fate, rather I think our Fate tempts us. It whispers in a still, small voice “Go on… I dare you! Set aside your fears and be who you were born to be” I think it is our lives work to uncover and walk that path…

   Does that ring true for you Sarah?

7. SarahArrow says:

   28 December , 2007 at 09:24

   Thank you Richard,
   Reflecting on this, I think perhaps the voice starts as a shout when you are younger and becomes quieter as you get older, or perhaps you tune it out.
   Then one day you start hearing it again, and sometimes you start to listen again and are ready to take steps towards being who you are.
   Sarah

8. richardderwentcooke says:

   28 December , 2007 at 09:34

   Sarah,

   I think that perhaps we get distracted as we try to build a life for ourselves… you know… the job, house, partner thing. These are demanding, stressful, full-time activities and usually they leave us exhausted. Luckily most of us emerge at some stage, having created a ‘base camp’ on that mountain, stick our heads out of our metaphorical tents and ask “What’s it all about?” [it is hard not to start singing Alfie at this stage!!]

   I think that is the point you are referring to Sarah. However, now we are all ‘growed up’ (superficially at least!) we have more muscle and experience to bring to bear on the problems and challenges, and yet we are often unfit and unready for this new exertion.

   However, as you mentioned earlier, you dare to try a little thing, create a little magic moment and suddenly new vistas of possibility open before you.

   I’d love to hear some of your stories like this… we all have them!

9. ann_g says:

   6 January , 2008 at 16:19

   Why do you think we are so resistant to change…so frightened by it?

   I made a committment to myself in my early twenties, that I would always be open to learning and to change…and I am still working on it. Yet each pass around the spiral is just as difficult and I have all kinds of resistance…even when the change is something I really want to acheive.

   At the moment I am working on an OU course in Creative Writing. It was a conscious choice to help me with my goal of doing some writing every day – to claw back from the business some time to work on something that is just for me, just for my personal development.

   I actively enjoy the process, and yet still I find myself procrastinating, not finding the time to write every day, putting off assignments to the last minute.

   And that’s for something I love doing…

10. richardderwentcooke says:

    6 January , 2008 at 16:32

    Ann
    Thank you for this comment /issue.

    I’m not sure if I have the answer to this or even if there is just one answer. However, here are some thoughts, and maybe they will shed some light:-
    * I think we resist change because of the unknown. Moving from here is intrinsically dangerous, because no matter how bad here is, at least I now something about it. I have strategies to cope with here.. they might not work ‘there’
    * Taking time for us can be a problem too, especially I think for women, many of whom have been programmed to serve others first, and feel unworthy of such selfish pass-times [Do you by any chance hear any special persons voice in your head when you try to do this?]
    * Maybe you could combine two things and write about this and how you feel about it, either in the form of a diary or as a story?

    A good friend of mine says “Only two things drive you crazy, not getting what you want… and getting it!”

    Let me know how it goes Ann and good luck!