We all have times when we need to vent and hopefully, we all to have a special someone that we go to do this.  Learning how to do it well is not only a great service to those we care for but builds a reservoir of goodwill.  However, like so many things, it isn’t as easy as just saying “What’s up?  You need to make sure that you are ready for this, which means making sure that you have time to really listen to them.  Don’t ask if you aren’t in a safe place for them to vent.  It is a good idea to try to make sure that you are both in a comfy position.  Little things like getting up and closing the door, or turning off the TV can signal that you are listening.

It is wise to differentiate between situations when you think that you maybe the cause of the problem and when you think you are just asking as someone who cares. If it is the former, you might want to front up and ask ”Have I done something to upset you?”  Either way, you need to be prepared for the fact that when the dam breaks you are likely to get wet!  So, you need to just let it flow and don’t try to stem the tide, in fact quite the opposite, you need to encourage them to go on.  Nods, little affirmative sounds like Uha etc, nodding and smiling all help. You aren’t here to fix it (at least not yet), you are just letting them find their equilibrium, and understand what is going on, and maybe find their own solution.

Michael Rooni, the author of the book Attractive Communication, suggests you practice “no-solution” listening:

“Sometimes people simply want to release hurtful emotions and get something off their chest. And for them communication is not necessarily about having their husband or wife or co-worker come up with a solution. They just want to be heard and want to be understood because they’re hurting inside.”

Gregorio Billikopf suggests you incorporate an occasional “dangling question.” Say something like “So, your family makes you feel…?” And prolong the word “feel.”  This encourages them to finish the sentence for you and sets them off on another aspect of their journey.

Giving them permission to vent and carefully questioning them helps them feel exactly what they are and need to feel, this is in itself restorative, but also can lead to solutions.  It will certainly help you to be a better friend to them and you will learn what this is really about.

Once they are calmer they may want to know what you think or how you see it but if you let your desire to rush to the rescue and solve it for them to come to the fore too soon, you will almost certainly fail.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 22nd, 2016 at 08:00 and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.