It’s all about YOU… part 2

In yesterdays blog I was exploring the phenomena of how outside events trigger internal feelings about ourselves. This is a result of our fundamental drive to both understand our world and to learn what is safe and what isn’t. It is also a way in which we seek to learn more about ourselves. We ask ourselves “What does this thing tell me about me?” It must be a lingering mechanism from our infanthood, but most of us still use it all the time. If you lived in a world without any mirrors, this behaviour would rather like the process of looking at our shadow to see what we look like.

Clearly the feedback we get from our actions is an important tool for learning. However, in our striving to learn, we look for messages about us in every little event. That stock phrase “It’s not about you!” has more wisdom in it than we might think. However, it takes a very secure or wise person to know themselves for who they truly are and to not be prey to ‘looking in mirrors’.

So what can we, the unwise, insecure ones do about this? I guess we can:-

• Remind ourselves that everything isn’t about us
• That other people are in the middle of their own dramas, and [Shock! Horror!!] we are merely bit players in them
• Seek others input, because they aren’t caught up in our drama
• Be direct in addressing these issues
• Give voice to our fears and accept responsibility for our own pain (after all we chose to suffer it)
• Allow ourselves to feel that core pain; things like insecurity, feeling alienated, feeling unappreciated, feeling scared etc. Breathe through it and realise that despite our fears, it doesn’t kill us and it does go away, like a fire that we allow to burn out
• Own it! It is our stuff… it is our mechanism that has been tripped

So today, because we usually all get given lots of opportunities to get good at this, why not try a different response when confronted with your challenge… Good Luck!

“Through self-doubt, we lose our sense of self-worth.”

“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.” Edgar Allan Poe

 

This entry was posted on Monday, February 25th, 2008 at 08:36 and is filed under General, Hints, Tips & Techniques, Mini-Articles, Personal Change. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

4 Responses to “It’s all about YOU… part 2”

1. SarahArrow says:

   25 February , 2008 at 13:20

   Hi Richard
   This is all thought provoking stuff.
   I have three great daughters, all different, how do I raise them to be secure?
   I am battling all sorts of outside influences with the Wag, she is 12 and tells me often that she is cool (happy). How do I show her that it isn’t always her, that she may be a bit player in anothers drama?

   You advice is always good, but how do I tailor it to fit a teen?

   Sarah

2. ida_h says:

   25 February , 2008 at 13:22

   Hi Richard and Sarah,

   Thought provoking stuff especially as it relates to children. My sis and I had an interesting conversation about our grown up children, specifically how they “appear not to need” us anymore.. on reflection they haven’t actually told us this.. so I suppose it’s us being insecure. We also have a tendency to compare them to how we relate to our own parents specifically our late father, who spoilt us rotten, conclusion we reached they are more independent than we were, can we admit that? Of course not!

   Ida Horner

3. richardderwentcooke says:

   25 February , 2008 at 13:23

   Sarah… not sure I am wise enough for that one! I have 2 girls of my own and a son too.

   I think the No. 1 thing with this, and most of parenting, is to model what you want them to get. Not only are they wise enough to get it, but they have an inbuilt mechanism to learn from Momma (remember when they were little?)

   Another thought is about letting it be okay to say that you aren’t “cool”; saying when you need help. If you are big, and strong and flawless, then how can they copy you if they aren’t?

   Also, parents, mums especially, have such a strong drive to make things okay for their offspring that they feel the need to jump in a protect when it is unnecessary. This is when it is about our stuff, rather than about them…

   I don’t know if any of that stream of random stuff is of any help but I offer it to you in the sure and certain knowledge that you have everything within you to be the very best of Mums!

4. richardderwentcooke says:

   25 February , 2008 at 13:24

   Ida..

   I think that having children who feel strong and independent is a huge gift and compliment to you. Of course, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to know that they can come running back whenever they choose to do so!

   I grew up in a secure loving family environment, but always felt that if I wanted anything I had to make it happen. It made me very strong, but I’d have loved to have someone to look to when I didn’t feel quite up to being strong….