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CHRISTMAS GIFTS

We spend a lot of time and money thinking about presents we will give at this time of year, and we may be lucky enough to even receive some that excite us too, but this got me wondering…. “What about the gifts we bring in who we are?”  How freely do we bestow them?  It is an exquisite irony that the thing we long to do most in life is to be is be fully seen for who and what we are; and yet the thing we most fear is revealing ourselves in all our nakedness.  It seems that we are so used to both judging and being judged that we daren’t do this most simple and natural of things… be ourselves.

This is a time when families come together and play their usual games (see yesterday’s blog) which of course include conforming to expectations, and seeing those things we expect to see in others.  Let’s make no mistake, and I’m as guilty of this as the next man, we are all doing it! 

My mother, bless her cotton socks, doesn’t get the ‘gift’ thing, so just to make sure I’m good and ready for her, I start dreading what she is going to ‘give’ me months ahead of the day, that way I can get my disappointment, hurt and anger ready good and early.  This year she did marginally better than she has in the past. However, when I unwrapped the pre-used paper and saw a second-hand, not-quite-clean decanter, up rushed many years of this stuff and I relive 40 odd years of my projections of what this behaviour must mean.  “You are not good enough etc” 

All of this is total nonsense of course, and even dafter, is I’m bright enough to know all this and yet…. Here I go again!

So if you find yourself trapped in a negative little eddy, how do you free yourself?  What helps you to see it and feel it differently? 

The worst thing is that whilst we are the victim of this syndrome, we are all also the persecutors in someone else’s dramas… isn’t that an awful thought!  Is there something we can do to help them too?

 

“Everyone wants happiness; nobody wants to suffer. Many problems around us are a mental projection of certain negative or unpleasant things. If we analyze our own mental attitude, we may find it quite unbearable. Therefore, a well-balanced mind is very useful and we should try and have a stable mental state.”   Dalai Lama

 

This entry was posted on Friday, December 28th, 2007 at 08:49 and is filed under Personal Change. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

8 Responses to “CHRISTMAS GIFTS”

  1. SarahArrow says:
    28 December , 2007 at 13:24

    My partner has the with his family Richard.

    One example that springs to mind is the CDs he is given. He is a rock/metal fan but listens to classical music – the kids love it.
    His dad buys him classical CDs as a Christmas gift and he gets upset because this is a gift from observation and not from knowing him, if it was it would be Rock or Metal CDs.
    To make matters worse its not dad that gets the presents its big sis, and he feels she should know better….

    So, I try to look at the flipside of the present, what it could be good for etc. Last year he was given a book and a large box. The book was fondue recipes so I spent 10 minutes praising the concept of fondue…only to find the gift was a coffee maker (coffee he had given up a year previously….).

    Now my partner feels that a present should be about your appreciation of the recipient, it doesn’t matter whether its new, old, used but it should reflect the new owner.

    Sarah

  2. richardderwentcooke says:
    28 December , 2007 at 17:38

    “Now my partner feels that a present should be about your appreciation of the recipient, it doesn’t matter whether its new, old, used but it should reflect the new owner”. I really resonate with this sentiment and that is why this kind of thing is painful. It seems to say that you haven’t been seen and valued as you are.

    “Last year he was given a book and a large box. The book was fondue recipes so I spent 10 minutes praising the concept of fondue…only to find the gift was a coffee maker” this puts me in mind of Xmases long ago when my kids were small and often derived more play value from the box than the contents! Perhaps that is the way forward?

  3. SarahArrow says:
    28 December , 2007 at 17:49

    “the thing we long to do most in life is to be is be fully seen for who and what we are”

    We are conditioned, groomed even from childhood to behave in this way. From a female perspective, the right ‘one’ for us always sees us for who we really are 🙂 just because it doesn’t happen often, it doesn’t mean its not desired.

    Sarah

  4. richardderwentcooke says:
    28 December , 2007 at 17:52

    Speaking as a bloke… (or nearly!) I have been aware of needing this since I was 6 yrs old so it isn’t just a ‘girl’ thing

  5. SarahArrow says:
    28 December , 2007 at 17:55

    The thing is Richard, we all think on some level being perfect is what people want to see and that isn’t always the truth 🙁 sometimes they want to see us for who we really are but we are but we are scared to show who we really are.

    Robert Grieg had a great post on his blog about people who looked like their photos, but the truth is we rarely look like our photo, we post the most flattering pic we can find as thats who WE want to see. Perhaps we want people to see the real, airbrushed glossy, authorised version of us rather than the warts and all….

    Great blog btw, another one for thinking on, you do have a knack for doing this 🙂

    Sarah

  6. richardderwentcooke says:
    28 December , 2007 at 18:06

    Yet another good point! I think we are frightened of our own imperfections. Perhaps we feel that if we can’t accept them, then why on Earth should anyone else do so?! Yet I know my wife does this magnificently… (she tells me so all the time! )

    How do we take a step closer to publishing the unexpurgated version of US?

    (and thanks for your kind words.. they mean a lot)

  7. Robertz says:
    2 January , 2008 at 15:10

    I can identify with a lot of this. This year, for various reasons, my family introduced a £5 limit on presents and it seemed to eliminate the expectations/dread as everyone seemed to enjoy simply giving and receiving.

    Perhaps it put presents into perspective and let us get on with enjoying being with each other as it turned out to be the most enjoyable Christmas we’ve had for years.

    Robert

  8. richardderwentcooke says:
    2 January , 2008 at 16:58

    Remembering why you are giving the gifts is important.

    We did something a little like this this year. We introduced a ‘secret Santa’ scheme so that we could start giving presents to the adult family members too.

    We knew that we had to change the way we did Xmas now everyone was getting older and whilst we didn’t get it all right it certainly improved some aspects of the holiday

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