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Great Expectations and the problems they bring

Yesterday’s blog, and some of the comments on it, got me thinking about the problems expectations can cause us; so often it isn’t the thing itself that is the problem, rather the gap between what we experience and what we expected. We expect all sorts of things from other people, standards of behaviour, sets of priorities, use of language and we take ourselves as the benchmark for all of these standards. We ‘know’ that others are different from us; we ‘know’ that they have different pasts, different capabilities, different interests, different needs, but somehow we expect them to all do what we would do in any given situation.

If we are feeling more rational, we might recognise that this is simply not true, but at a base emotional level we still somehow expect it. If we diverge from our normal behaviour we understand the reasons because we have all the facts; of course, where others are concerned, we never have all the facts, even for those who are close to us. It is in our nature as human beings to try to predict the future, as this allows us to keep stay safe. Some part of our brains is constantly extrapolating and interpreting the world about us according to a set of rules we have in our heads. The problem is we each have a different rule book!

When people fall out, when communication is breaking down, this is often somewhere in the mix. If you want to unravel it, then at least you have to be clear about what you were expecting, challenge if it is reasonable in these circumstances, and ensure that you actually know and understand their circumstances too. The next step is to talk to them about this and explore it from both view points.

Expectations are inevitable; they are very powerful and can impact us and those around us in many ways both positively and negatively. So today, perhaps be a little clearer and more analytical about what you expect of yourself, of others and your world.

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” Dennis Wholey

“If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you’re right.” Henry Ford
“Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.” Mark Twain

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 9th, 2008 at 07:54 and is filed under Communication, General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

4 Responses to “Great Expectations and the problems they bring”

  1. sally_l says:
    9 April , 2008 at 14:46

    Hi Richard,

    There must have been something in the air yesterday. I was thinking about this too and it is something that I’ve been pondering on for a while especially with respect to my coaching. The more I coach, the more it seems to me that the usual goal-setting routines that we habitually use can fail us miserably. I feel the need for something far more helpful in terms of underpinning our hopes and plans for the future whilst at the same time helping us to stay conscious and very much in the present moment.

    Synchronistically this arrived in my email inbox too. Your blog reminded me of it and so thought I’d share. Hope you (and maybe others too) find it interesting.

    (Btw – sorry about the empty comment from me earlier. I must’ve leant on the keyboard whilst reaching for the phone – 1/10 for physical awareness!!)

    Sally

  2. richardderwentcooke says:
    9 April , 2008 at 14:49

    Sally

    Thanks for that I’ll print and read it soon. What are your thoughts on this and how do you approach it?

  3. sally_l says:
    9 April , 2008 at 14:50

    Expectation, aspiration and hope

    It all started with a conversation with a friend about spiritual growth. I asked them whether that was something that was important to them and they replied that they planned to become enlightened within this lifetime. I wondered then whether that was something that could be *planned*. My clients often talk about their goals in business and in their personal life. Occasionally they talk about spiritual goals too and this led to me thinking about whether goal-setting is appropriate for someone with a spiritual rather than material approach to life. For me, expectation is linked with assumption, disappointment and misunderstandings. I think I prefer intentions, aspirations and visions. This leaves more room, in my mind at least, for focussing on the present whilst being mindful of where our journey in life is taking us – roughly!- and how we want to *be* rather than what we want to achieve.

    Sally

  4. richardderwentcooke says:
    9 April , 2008 at 14:51

    Buddhism teaches us to abandon our expectations. Whilst I don’t completely embrace this philosophy, I think I can safely say you can’t affirm your way into heaven! Your client might have that as an aspiration, but enlightenment is a state and for most of us a long path over many life times…

    Intentions are good (despite the “road to hell being paved with good intentions”), but not enough. It is all about self awareness and raising one’s consciousness. I’d have thought letting go of expectations was an early step!!

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