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Sometimes you can communicate… sometimes you can’t!

Isn’t the virtual world wonderful?!  It so mirrors the ‘real’ world it just isn’t funny.  Those who know me will know I am a little bit of a techie and love my gadgets.  One of the things that I rely on is my smartphone which is a mini-office in my pocket.  It stays in touch with my PC via a Bluetooth link.  At least that is the theory… periodically and for no apparent reason it will not only stop talking to the PC but forget how to do so.  I spent half an hour this morning going back and deleting all the old settings, and reinstalling all the connections (a fiddly job even if you know what you are doing and have good luck!)  For those of you who might be interested in my ‘cyber-soap story’, they are now back on speaking terms…

However, isn’t this just like us?  Suddenly for no good reason we seem to fall out with people or find them harder to ‘get through to’?  We make all sorts of excuses but often we can never really explain what was going on to cause these problems.  In a good relationship you might talk it through and perhaps there are ‘reasons’, but  I sometimes wonder if these are the real cause or just a rationalisation.

For proper communication to exist, you must understand, and preferably share some fundamental underlying assumptions, concepts and values.  We tend to interpret others actions through the filter of what they would mean if we had done them.  Of course we never have the full information of what the other person feels and knows, so we are in effect, just guessing.  Mostly we are more right than wrong, and mostly when we are slightly off it isn’t too important. 

Communication is always an art, and some of us are better at it than others, but most of us find it pretty challenging at one time or another.  If only we could just delete and reinstall and have it all working smoothly again… until doesn’t!  If you find yourself with a communication challenge today, it probably arises from something which is not being shared, either by you or the other person.  So if it is important to you to get things working smoothly, don’t make assumptions, or at least be clear to them what assumptions you are making.  Check for understanding at each key stage in the message, and don’t move one till they have understood you.  Make equally sure that you understand them. 

I will develop these themes more soon….

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate”  Cool Hand Luke

“Two monologues do not make a dialogue.”  Jeff Daly

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 at 14:22 and is filed under Communication, General, Hints, Tips & Techniques. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

6 Responses to “Sometimes you can communicate… sometimes you can’t!”

  1. ida_h says:
    8 April , 2008 at 14:53

    Great blog Richard.. How do you deal with two seemingly good people that you care about but who will not communicate with each as they feel they each have been wronged by the other party and communicating with the other party means that “they’ve lost”?

    Ida Horner

  2. richardderwentcooke says:
    8 April , 2008 at 14:54

    Ida,
    What a question! I guess that there is no magic answer. I guess there are two possible strategies, ignore the past and move one… or
    Resolve it through investigation and increased understanding

    I might ask each of them if they would like to be back in communication with the other if it didn’t mean ‘losing’? And, what it might mean to them and others they care for if they were back in communication? If they give positive responses to these questions, you could either broker a three way conversation, or perhaps speak to each of them privately and get their stories and see if you can see what has happened.

    What would it mean to you to resolve this? What have you tried already?

  3. jackie_w says:
    8 April , 2008 at 16:40

    Great answer Richard

    It’s a tricky one Ida. Assuming that it’s in their best interests that they are back in touch – perhaps it might also be useful for each of them to express what they are wanting to gain by winning. Ultimately whatever that answer is, then ask what that would bring them, and what having that answer would then bring them. If you keep asking it you’ll probably get to somewhere which is very different to that where they started – and equally you’ll likely find that if you asked both of them the same way, they’d get agreement!

    In divorce it’s often the case of black and white and little grey! I teach that each of them are actually looking out for their own best interests in the only way that they know possible and generally it is to do with safety/security/love. Hence the reason it’s really only over money or the children that there are major fall outs.

    It’s useful to remember in all conflicting situations respect for the other as a human being and to stop taking things personally.

  4. richardderwentcooke says:
    8 April , 2008 at 16:41

    Very good Jackie

    and very applicable here too.

    NLP says all behaviour is purposeful, so what are they trying to achieve and is their current strategy meeting those needs?

    They could also write down not their stories but what they value in each other, what they want and need from each other, how they think this behaviour is affecting everyone concerned inc you.

  5. ida_h says:
    8 April , 2008 at 16:43

    “What would it mean to you to resolve this?” Happier times for us watching from the sidelines

    “What have you tried already?” We have stopped lending an ear to either party if it to do with the other party and encouraged them to deliver the message themselves. Waste of time I must add but at least we haven’t participated in “behind the back” discussions with one party against the other

  6. richardderwentcooke says:
    8 April , 2008 at 16:44

    Ida
    The trouble is people get stuck in their ‘stories’, and these are not the real truth. These stories just feed their sense of righteous and hurt. Questions like “How do you know that?” help get behind these stories

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