Feedback to difficult people

In my experience most people are poor at giving good feedback.  Usually they don’t realise there is a way to do it properly and their so called ‘feedback’ often does not come from a neutral place within the ‘giver’.  If you are feeling annoyed or let down by the person, it is likely this will come through in your message.  It is basic human nature that when we feel attacked, we either run away and avoid the message, or attack the messenger.  It is even more difficult when we need to give an unwelcome message to someone who we know is likely to respond poorly.

There is a special technique for doing this, and there is a useful article in the HBR on this.

The key is firstly to be very clear what you need to communicate to them.  This may well be different to what you would like to say to them!  So first of all make sure you have a clean, emotionally neutral message, stripped of any blaming.  Own your emotions and reactions to the other person.  Ensure that where possible your message is evidence-based and you can give real examples of their behaviours and the results thereof.  You need to describe what they do, contrast it with what you would like them to do and describe the benefits following the recommended change. There is a guide here.

It is natural to feel defensive when entering what you feel is a lion’s den, and this can change how you deliver your message.  You need to ensure there is no emotional ‘leakage’ in your manner.  You need to maintain a neutral manner, in much the same way as a newsreader would deliver it.  This helps the other person to hear it and not react defensively. 

You also need to ensure that you use temperate language than doesn’t either carry a sub-text or appear to do so.  All of the above makes it more likely that the person will and can respond positively.  Remember the SARA model of how people respond to feedback or bad news (Shock, Anger, Rejection, then Acceptance.)  You have to allow the person to travel this journey and help them through it.

If you approach this correctly, it isn’t about you being right and them being wrong; it should be about finding a way in which you can work together more effectively.  If you genuinely come from this place, you  should be prepared to take on board the fact that you may need to change too, and to listen to what they have to say.  You may have to lead the way by showing you are willing to change too.

This genuinely tough, but a very valuable life skill. Good luck!

Tags: feedback

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 19th, 2015 at 09:56 and is filed under Communication, Hints, Tips & Techniques. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.