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“You are all cr@p!”… A lesson in Alchemy

A client told me the other day that one of his peers had offered this judgement of his department. Whilst it is true that this isn’t the best crafted bit of feedback* I have seen over the years, it is interesting. Normally you would either take umbrage and defend your turf, or smile politely and pretend it hadn’t happened. I suggested a third response; “What if you were to explore this notion with your team? Talk to them and ask them to get inside this notion, to pro temp act as if it were valid and explore the potential reasons someone might feel this way. What are they doing, and failing to do that might provoke this response? What might a person see or hear that could lead to this sort of judgement?”

The thing is, painful as this kind of judgement is, most of us could do better. If someone is telling us in no uncertain terms they feel this is the case, we can either ‘be right’ and just explain why they are mistaken/unfair, or we can learn and improve. It really doesn’t matter if they don’t have all the facts, or if their comment is fair. The real question is, can we use this approach to do better next time? Whether you adopt this approach in your business or in your personal life, it leads to better things. In fact is real alchemy, transmuting base material into gold.

So if today someone hurls a judgement at you, rather than just defend against it or attacking back, try exploring their perspective and see what gifts it can offer you

“”Yes, but if you take that cr@p and put a star in it, then you’ve got something.” Ed Wood

“I had discovered, early in my researches, that their doctrine was no mere chemical fantasy, but a philosophy they applied to the world, to the elements, and to man himself.” W.B. Yeats

Resources:

  1. *Feedback, some models

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This entry was posted on Thursday, April 10th, 2008 at 07:44 and is filed under Communication, Hints, Tips & Techniques, Personal Change, Values & Philosophy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

6 Responses to ““You are all cr@p!”… A lesson in Alchemy”

  1. jackie_w says:
    10 April , 2008 at 08:41

    Absolutely Richard – it’s everyone’s prerogative to have their perspective and it can’t have come from nowhere! Sometimes the old clichés just hit the nail on the head – ‘there’s no smoke without fire’!

    I’ve been reading Byron Katie’s book – Loving What Is recently and although much of it is recovering ground, I’ve found it a wonderful reminder to ask ourselves ‘Is that True?’ and remain objective rather than turning defensive.

    Jackie Walker
    The Divorce Coach

  2. richardderwentcooke says:
    10 April , 2008 at 08:42

    Jackie,

    I agree, there is usually a triggering event that requires our attention. At the very least, it normally signals a failure of our communications if nothing else.

    Of course the idea of “being objective” about oneself is an ideal rather than really practicable, but we can refrain from defending if we are able to avoid feeling attacked!

  3. amanda_h says:
    10 April , 2008 at 08:45

    I so agree Richard – and at the same time personally avoid being a “navel gazer” to the extent that the real world passes you by … !

    Bed and Breakfast La Celada Iznájar Córdoba Spain
    Quirky Watercolour Paintings Website

  4. richardderwentcooke says:
    10 April , 2008 at 08:46

    As we have observed before Amanda, it is all about finding the Balance!

  5. joanne_s says:
    10 April , 2008 at 11:51

    Re the original comment, I think it helps to stay open if you think in terms of the information you can gain about others if you are willing to take their point of view and treat it as valid and valuable. Its too easy to forget that we only have one perspective on the world, and that we can learn a great deal by stepping into other roles to view our actions from another place. I used to get this all the time because I loved change, and would endlessly look for ways to improve myself, my team and our department, without realising how much others in the department didn’t want change… end result they resented my suggestions and even came to resent my efforts to improve my own performance. It was a steep learning curve, but so useful.

    Jo Sumner
    Creative Coach & Facilitator

  6. richardderwentcooke says:
    10 April , 2008 at 11:53

    Thanks Jo, couldn’t agree more!

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