Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Difficult meetings–the elephant in the room

Monday, August 24th, 2015

The other day I had a very difficult meeting to facilitate.  A business was facing a tsunami of troubles, their very survival was at a stake and they needed to plot a course which gave them the best chance of survival.  These things are difficult on many levels.  There are complex business reasons why they are in trouble, some within their control and others outside of it.  However, perhaps the more difficult element of this kind of meeting is the underlying emotions.  They are naturally afraid.  Afraid of failing, and afraid of its consequences.  There is a saying “If you aren’t afraid, you just don’t get it!”

So my job is to not only remain clear-headed, but to help them plot a course through this mine field.  This involves sorting the wheat from the chaff in what is said, and ensuring that everyone hears it too.  However, one of the moments that was most difficult was when I decided to confront head on one of the elephants in the room.  I knew there were some really highly emotionally loaded issues and I took the risk of bringing them into the light.  Some how I managed to do so without triggering any explosions and we could move on. 

The fact is this kind of emotional landmine can blow your leg off even if you try to avoid it so sometimes a ‘controlled explosion’ is the safer option. This kind of thing is always a judgement call, and some people feel more able to do it than others, but like so many things, the secret in is in how you do it.  If you are doing it in an emotionally neutral way, and being honest and unmanipulative about it then you are much more likely to get a good outcome.  If it goes badly, then the chances are it was going to go bang anyway,so better now than later.

It’s not about the nail

Monday, August 12th, 2013

If you are a man, then this video will probably make you feel that this is all about you.  You may even laugh… it is very well done.  However, it raises an interesting point.  At work, we very much focus on the facts that are being conveyed.  We listen for them and pay attention to this type of content. However, just like this video, most conversations contain two types of information, what is happening AND how we feel about it.  Men tend to dial into the former and neglect the latter.  At home, this is a bad idea, but there is a cost to ignoring emotional information in the work place.  We need to know how someone feels about something.  Are they excited, scared, bored?  Do they have an objection that they are suppressing, perhaps based on personal values, perhaps because they don’t think it will work, but don’t think you will listen. 

Asking “How do you feel about this?” is NOT the same as asking “What do you think?” and you should always ask both questions and be clear with the other person that you are looking for a different bit of information.  Ignore emotional content at your peril!  

It is ALL communication

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

I had a very interesting conversation with someone who was having a problem with two colleagues.  Something had occurred that caused a rift between the two; let’s call them Frank & Andrew. 

Andrew had done something that had made Frank very angry and they no longer felt that they could trust/rely on each other.  The details of the story are not important here, however, more interestingly, I suggested that he didn’t get involved in the details of the story either.  The thing is that clever people can always justify their actions and tend to persuade you and lose you in the details of their tale.  If we analysed all the facts doubtless we would come up with a solution but in real life one seldom stops and weighs things up like this. 

I suggested that a better question than “Why did Andrew do what he did?” was “What was Andrew trying to say / communicate?”  The thing is that everything we do says something about how we feel about ourselves and those we are interacting with.  Was he feeling insecure, unappreciated, angry, bored, neglected???  Once one has an understanding of this one can begin to address the underlying issues rather than getting bogged down in the content of the story.

I’d be interested to gather any of your experiences about what underpinned misunderstandings and rifts that you have witnessed / experienced

“Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.”  Vincent Van Gogh