Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

No particular place to go…

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

I’ve been been spending much more time at home since I had to stop driving (and that is no surprise) and with that that there has been a certain withdrawal, a bit like the trees withdrawing the sap from their leaves before they drop them in the autumn.  This may just be par for the course in the grieving process… I don’t know.  It feels kind of appropriate.  However, whilst I have been getting out and doing stuff, I have noticed that there are times when ‘out’ feels different and maybe less safe.  I don’t know if this is just part and parcel of the withdrawing process or something deeper.  

It is interesting to observe how what we feel changes our experience or reality; it transforms the world into a safer (or less safe) place.  It can equally transform a situation from challenge to threat or how we feel about a person.  In short, our internal feelings shape the world we live in.  I know some people say that we can therefore control our experiences by controlling our feelings.  I can’t say this has ever been my experience and I’m therefore somewhat cynical about this aspect of things.  What is clear is that so called ‘Reality’ is a lot more fluid that we might expect.

Something happens and our viewpoint changes and suddenly we not only see but experience our worlds differently.   So perhaps the best way to change our worlds is to put ourselves in new and different places.

It is ALL communication

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

I had a very interesting conversation with someone who was having a problem with two colleagues.  Something had occurred that caused a rift between the two; let’s call them Frank & Andrew. 

Andrew had done something that had made Frank very angry and they no longer felt that they could trust/rely on each other.  The details of the story are not important here, however, more interestingly, I suggested that he didn’t get involved in the details of the story either.  The thing is that clever people can always justify their actions and tend to persuade you and lose you in the details of their tale.  If we analysed all the facts doubtless we would come up with a solution but in real life one seldom stops and weighs things up like this. 

I suggested that a better question than “Why did Andrew do what he did?” was “What was Andrew trying to say / communicate?”  The thing is that everything we do says something about how we feel about ourselves and those we are interacting with.  Was he feeling insecure, unappreciated, angry, bored, neglected???  Once one has an understanding of this one can begin to address the underlying issues rather than getting bogged down in the content of the story.

I’d be interested to gather any of your experiences about what underpinned misunderstandings and rifts that you have witnessed / experienced

“Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.”  Vincent Van Gogh

Outside looking in..?

Saturday, December 13th, 2008

I suspect that it is a feeling we all get from time-to-time, whether it happens at a party, a family gathering or an online group, sometimes it just feels that we are on the outside of what is going on.  I noticed this with a virtual community, that at times I have been very active in, at the moment there either is nothing going on that interests me or I somehow just don’t get what is going on.

Common sense (and Occam’s razor) says that the simplest explanation is the most likely one; chances are nothing ‘out there’ has changed and it is just me.  The thing is that all the time that it is ‘just me’ then I guess I have the ability to change what is happening by changing what I do.

So often in life we blame others for our happiness or lack there of.  It can be tough to accept that we might be responsible for what is going on

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”  Tom Robbins
“When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope”

Thoughts or Feelings?

Thursday, May 22nd, 2008

I think there maybe two sorts of people in this world, those who are guided by their thoughts and those who are mainly lead by their feelings. If you wanted to be sexist, then I suspect that more men fall into the first group and more women into the second one. Both are obviously useful, both have their own advantages, both are appropriate in particular situations. Neither tends to be right in every instance and of course we all have both faculties. The thing is, we have a tendency to lean rather heavily on our favourite modality and not switch smoothly when it would help us to do so.

Imagine a scene where a wife is talking to her husband about a missed anniversary card. She may well be saying something about how hurt she feels and how forgetting something so important means (to her) that he can’t really care about her. He replies with a variety of logical reasons why this isn’t the case. Ignore the details but it is very hard to really communicate to someone who is referencing the other modality, unless you use your empathetic abilities to move into the same space as them. It is rather like and Englishman talking to a Frenchman; one of them needs to switch language.

If you find that you are having problems getting through to someone, perhaps you might want to check where they are coming from. Their language gives you the clue are they saying “I think” or “I feel”, what kind of adjectives and adverbs are they using?

“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.” David Borenstein