Posts Tagged ‘empathy’

We all walk a singular path…

Monday, December 6th, 2010

I think that one of the most profound lessons I have learnt over the last 9 months since Carys’s passing has been that when you lose someone that each person experiences and processes that loss very differently.  I am aware that setting it down like this it seems a statement of the obvious (and perhaps it is.)  However, when a family loses a member you tend to assume that you are all on a somewhat similar path and timetable.  This could not be more wrong.  Last night my daughter had a very difficult time of it and broke down. It is now even more clear to me that my children are on a very different timetable to me.  Of course some of this is simply a feature of the different relationship we had with her, and some of it is down to our differing characters, experience etc. 

I can see that for all we have achieved in this period, there is still a huge distance to travel.  I know that we all have our own  interpretation of reality, but this aspect of it is singularly challenging. It serves to reinforce the fact that whenever we fail to find out where the other person starts their journey from, we are likely meet with some level of miscommunication.  I feel that I must be failing to get over the significance of this discovery, as this seems to read like something we should all know already, and yet I have never heard it before.

The other feature of last night was the realisation that when you scratch the surface of the new ‘paint’ that we have applied, it is clear just how much damage is still present beneath the surface.  I send out my thoughts and prayers to you others who are on this painful path too…

“Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a “map” for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.”   Anne Grant

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Walking a mile in her shoes

Sunday, August 15th, 2010

One of the odder aspects of my recent experiences has been that not only have I been trying to pick up the ‘load’ of Carys’s role/work in the home and family but because of my circumstances, having to take an enforced ‘sabbatical’, I have found myself experiencing aspects of her life for myself.  I’m at home most of the time, cooking, cleaning and being ‘mum’.  Today I heard myself saying to my son things that I often heard her say to me.  She would tell me that she found herself wondering what her role was as the kids begun to fly the nest, to feel that being ‘mum’ was not enough, the frustration of constant cleaning etc.  The bizarre thing was that when I was the other side of this divide, I was really clear about the value of what she brought to the table; however, living the role, I find it harder to feel that. 

We often talk about karma but it is rare that we get a chance to to live both sides of a situation like this.  Who knows what lesson I am meant to be learning but like most lessons, this one is no fun.  As a rather empathetic person, I often find if I listen to two different peoples’ take on a situation I can understand how they both feel the way they do and see it from both perspectives, but living it is rather different…

Each ending carries with it the seed of a new beginning but that doesn’t make them any less painful.  Change experts and business leaders  tend to focus so much on the business benefits that they forget this simple truth, that first something old and familiar needs to to be torn down before the rebuilding can commence and the pain is very real…

“As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma.”  Sri Guru Granth Sahib

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Empathy

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

I was reading an interesting blog today that mentioned the importance of empathy in the sales process.  This afternoon we watched a Pixar animation called Wall-E, and it was breathtakingly well done.  However, the really interesting element was how they got you to empathise with this little robot.  They plucked a every anthropomorphic string in your heart.  It was a truly masterful lesson in getting us to empathise with this little drawing.

Showing your humanity, letting people see how you feel, recognising their feelings and needs, looking for common ground, taking the first step to disclose are all ways to build a bridge of empathy.

Empathy paves the way to friendship, success in business and a happier life.

“Friendship is a living thing that lasts only as long as it is nourished with kindness, empathy and understanding”

“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.”   Meryl Streep

Resources:

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Not seeing eye to eye

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

I was watching the Dog Whisper talking about how to handle aggressive behaviour in dogs, one of his tricks was to walk them together so they were side by side (like a pack) as opposed to eye-balling each other (i.e. rivals).  I thought this was rather interesting because I noticed that walking with someone is a very good way of having a conversation.  I believe that when we move the body, it is easier to move the mind.  Also when we are walking we are engaging a lot of our brain in this activity which allows us more access to our sub-conscious mind.

Normally when we say that we see eye-to-eye we are implying we are in agreement, but when in a counselling situation or when we wish to have a non-threatening conversation we will often sit at an angle to each other rather than face-to-face.  However, despite all this, most office conversations are conducted face-to-face.  Perhaps, if you have a sensitive conversation you need to have with someone in the near future you might consider the value of not seeing eye-to-eye…

“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.”   Albert Einstein

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Thoughts or Feelings?

Thursday, May 22nd, 2008

I think there maybe two sorts of people in this world, those who are guided by their thoughts and those who are mainly lead by their feelings. If you wanted to be sexist, then I suspect that more men fall into the first group and more women into the second one. Both are obviously useful, both have their own advantages, both are appropriate in particular situations. Neither tends to be right in every instance and of course we all have both faculties. The thing is, we have a tendency to lean rather heavily on our favourite modality and not switch smoothly when it would help us to do so.

Imagine a scene where a wife is talking to her husband about a missed anniversary card. She may well be saying something about how hurt she feels and how forgetting something so important means (to her) that he can’t really care about her. He replies with a variety of logical reasons why this isn’t the case. Ignore the details but it is very hard to really communicate to someone who is referencing the other modality, unless you use your empathetic abilities to move into the same space as them. It is rather like and Englishman talking to a Frenchman; one of them needs to switch language.

If you find that you are having problems getting through to someone, perhaps you might want to check where they are coming from. Their language gives you the clue are they saying “I think” or “I feel”, what kind of adjectives and adverbs are they using?

“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.” David Borenstein

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“What’s that stink?”

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

Last night, just as we had nestled into bed, and I was beginning to disappear into my nightly ritual of reading and getting dosey, my beloved wife suddenly interrupted the tranquillity with “Oh my God! What’s that smell?” Well I knew it wasn’t me so I was quite happy to carry on reading. “It smells like rancid pond weed!” Having been married for over 20 years, I knew this wasn’t going to go away so I got up and leant her my nose …sniff, sniff “I can’t smell anything” and I headed back to my side of the bed hoping to regain my quietude. “I can smell it again!” Out I get, and this time I raise the edge of the water mattress and am knocked out by a smell like a fetid swamp. We appear to have developed a small leak.

I won’t entertain (or bore) you with the rest of the story but my point is this: when we don’t have any personal evidence or experience of a phenomenon is very easy to dismiss it. Just think about those appalling disasters going on in Burma and China right now, but in reality it hardly makes a dent on our awareness. We carry on with our routines. If that was happening near us we might even jump in a car and go and help. The fact is, direct experience just transforms us and our ability to empathise. If the smell ain’t going up our nose it is easy to ignore it!

So if someone close to you is telling you about a problem, just before you get all superior and philosophical about it, or dismiss it, try taking a moment to assume that is happening just as they report, and imagine it were happening to you… Now… What would you do? How might you respond? Remember, just ‘cos you can’t smell it, don’t meant in don’t stink!

“I do smell all horse-piss; at which my nose is in great indignation” Shakespeare

“One’s own shit doesn’t smell” Old Russian saying

 

 

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