Archive for February, 2011

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12 months on…

Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

Well, today was the day, the cycle completed, 12 months to the day since she died.  I had no idea how it would be or what we would do.  In part I dreaded it in case all sorts of ‘stuff’ was dredged up, in part I was pleased as it meant, from here on in, we had done it all at least once.  I didn’t have any expectations nor try to control anything today.  I’d decided that I was going to visit her bench and set a stone there (as I  described in an earlier blog).  My son came with me and we had a quiet moment there.  My eldest had taken today off, but the middle one had other plans.  It turns out that today was the day she got a tattoo to commemorate this all… forget-me-nots. 

We had decided we’d spend tonight as the family so often has, picnicking in lounge, watching movies.  My eldest had chosen some movies that seemed to span the entire emotional gamut from moving, via thoughtful to silly.  There was one that was so apposite, I swear it felt like Carys was speaking to me.  A character in the film said “Darling, it’s time..”  In the midst of all this middle daughter was making fart jokes with sound effects from iPod, it all felt perfect.

Throughout the day, various people got in touch various ways.  We had texts, and emails; we had flowers and phone calls, including a friend who called in from a holiday abroad, right through to neighbours in the green-grocers. 

It’s onwards and upwards for us all, day-by-day, one step at a time

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Living your pattern?

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

I was talking to a friend & colleague today about something that someone had said to me.  He replied that I was listening to the content rather than seeing his pattern.  That this pattern was defined by how he saw life and how he acted so that despite the fact that I had offered him help and opportunity, he was incapable of doing what was required to seize it as he believed that these kind of things didn’t happen.  This is linked to our flight/fight response, which is designed to keep us safe but often just keeps us living small.  I thought this was a very interesting thought both from the point of view of understanding people whose actions don’t add up and also in terms of reflecting how our pattern  might be driving us.

I’d be very interested to hear any examples of this that you may have or to hear if this helps you to understand things just a little better too.

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Fry & Laurie–more communication lessons from comedy

Monday, February 7th, 2011

This lovely sketch is so funny because there isn’t one but two parallel conversations going on.  Here it is full of fabulous double entendre and laughs, but in real life it is usually far less obvious and the impact is often not in the least bit funny.

I talked elsewhere in this mini-series of communication lessons about how we hate to be wrong, and often we will sense that we have missed something that the other person has said, or at least not fully understood them.  They might say something like “You know Mr Wilberforce..” and we don’t but we don’t like to admit it, or interrupt them and we hope it is either unimportant or we might catch-up with them later.  Sometimes this works fine, but when it is important, you really need to clarify that you are both on the same page and both singing from the same song sheet,

Other comedy lessons:

  1. Morecombe & Wise
  2. Two Ronnies
  3. Rowan Atkinson
  4. Fawlty Towers

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Fawlty Towers offering further comedy lessons in communication

Monday, February 7th, 2011

The characters here are priceless and the scene is so beautifully scripted and constructed, but what does it tell us about successful communication?

Everyone here arrives with their own set of expectations and their mind full of their own issues.  We all do this all the time.  When these individual vectors collide we get fabulous comedy here but in real life there is just misunderstanding, and feelings of being badly served and/or misunderstood.  This is a real issue as most of us have a deep desire to be understood, and when we are put into situations where this occurs emotion usually flares, and the Flight/Fight response usually dictates that we either withdraw or get angry.

We have to make time to set expectations, to understand the other person’s position and needs and to communicate our desire to help, but within the parameters that we set.

Other comedy lessons:

  1. Morecombe & Wise
  2. Two Ronnies
  3. Rowan Atkinson

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Roll Call–more comedy lessons in communication

Sunday, February 6th, 2011
Roll call….PS>> apologies if any adverts come up, they are nothing to do with I-Change!

Rowan Atkinson just stands here reading the register, and with each name the audience laughs louder…. Why?  Although he has obviously chosen some funny words, I’d suggest that there are a number of interesting underlying factors.  Timing is obviously important, as it is in all communication.  However, the key to this gem is that he plays with the audience’s own memories of this situation and builds on them.  In other words he is building rapport and then leading them to laughter. 

If you wish to influence people, and in business we all need and want to do this, then you have to take the time to find out where they are and what they know before you begin communicating.  If you do this, then like Rowan, you can in very few words get them on your side and engaging with you.  Without this it is all just noise and spam.

Other comedy lessons:

  1. Morecombe & Wise
  2. Two Ronnies

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Fork Handles and more lessons in communication from comedy

Sunday, February 6th, 2011
Fork handles

Following Ruth’s comments on yesterday’s blog I thought that I’d look at some more comedy clips and examine the lessons they offer in communication.  This gem from The Two Ronnies is fabulous viewing, but what does it teach us?

The reason this is so funny is that the sounds of the words is identical in both sets of words, so “fork handles” sounds very similar to “four candles”.  You need context to help you understand which meaning is right.  Successful communication lies in checking that we are sharing the same context and checking our assumptions.  You may feel that you know what they are talking about, but do you really?  Take a little time to question them and check your understanding.  It not only reduces frustration and potentially costly errors but also makes the person feel that you are listening and care.

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All the right notes… not necessarily in the right order?!

Saturday, February 5th, 2011
All the right notes…

I’m sure many of you are familiar with this classic Morecombe and Wise sketch, and if you aren’t you really ought to watch it, it is comedy gold!  However I had a real life situation the other day that made me think of Eric’s words “Listen… I’m playing all the right notes, just not necessarily in the right order!”   I was involved in a bit of communication that went awry.  We exchanged a number of messages and I wasn’t at all convinced that it was being resolved but I stuck with it.  Today I heard that it was all satisfactorily resolved but I suspect that the issue wasn’t so much the substance as the timing of the communication.

I’m sure we have all been in situations when someone asked us something at the wrong time and we failed to engage with them properly, and maybe afterwards said something like “Why didn’t you just ask me..!” only to discover that they had.  If your perfectly constructed message arrives at the wrong time for your recipient you maybe doomed to a difficult time.  We can’t always know what is going on for our recipients especially when we fire off an email or text, but if it is important, and I’m phoning, I try to ask the person “Is this a good time for you?”  If it isn’t then I’m not only wasting both our of time but potentially my one shot to get the message over.

In communication, like so much in life, timing is everything

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The Power of Love

Friday, February 4th, 2011

I had a fascinating meeting yesterday with someone who is researching the impact and power of love in businesses, and today I was listening to a spokesperson for The Campaign to End Loneliness, which is apparently as deadly a killer as smoking or obesity.  It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see the link between these two topics.  If loneliness can actually kill, then what is the impact of a demotivated, unappreciated workforce?  So perhaps it is not airy-fairy for directors to be considering how to use love as means to improve performance.

Having spent a year without a life-long partner, six months of which I was an effectively confined to my house, I understand just a little of the effect of being on your own.  The thing is, it is easy to be in a crowd and still feel lonely.  It is all about having a sense of belonging.  We can belong to a number of ‘tribes’, there is our family, our football club, our school or regiment, and our work.  I have heard much about corporate culture over the years but I have never heard anyone recognise the positive impact of creating something that people want to belong to.  Mostly, when I was inside companies, there was an overwhelming sense of cynicism  about the company, and that was from the middle management!

Perhaps today is the day to open the door to someone else and invite them inside. Building this kind of bridge enriches and nourishes everyone and perhaps might make you a little richer too!

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”  Jimi Hendrix

“I will greet this day with love in my heart. For this is the greatest secret of success in all ventures. Muscles can split a shield and even destroy life itself but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of man. And until I master this act I will remain no more than a peddler in the marketplace. I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend upon its force… my love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day.”   Og Mandino

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The Power of Love 2

Friday, February 4th, 2011

Serendipity brought this to me today after today’s blog on the Power of Love and this just seemed to say the same thing

“This is a video of street singers from around the world being recorded, overlaid and mixed with one another while singing the song “Stand By Me”.
It is a marvel to listen to and watch. They all deserve to be heard. “

 

Stand by Me from theRedPillRadio on Vimeo.

And here is another similar message…

How can we all not feel this and do something about it???

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